Long, long ago, Mike and I suffered the loss of a still born son. Tragic on so many levels. He was full term, really gorgeous and, I hope, would have been raised in a good home. It was our first disappointment as grown-ups. We navigated blind, letting the pain, sorrow, fear, relief, acceptance, wash over us in whatever waves broke.
At one point, Mike had asked someone close, “When are we going to get back to normal?” when such an event changes ‘normal’ forever. It takes time to discover the New Normal and settle in.
I’m not even sure we ever did that completely. For about 20 years, I always put Nathan’s birthday/death date on our wall calendar. There were silent trips out to the family plot to visit that tiny marker. And, even today, almost 40 years later, I still tear up when I talk about it.
I have since buried other loved ones: I believe that the death of one’s child…whether young or old…is the greatest, deepest pain to pierce a heart.
When the 1 year mark was upon us, we were settling back into routine, at least. I brought a veggie tray and some Asti Spumonti to the office for lunch. We sat in Mike’s office and toasted our child, our survival, and God’s goodness.
It was a good way to cross off that first year.
Now I face the first anniversary of Mike’s passing. June 14, 2014.
Quite a while ago, one of my favorite nieces and her very nice fella chose this date for their wedding. I don’t think they gave any mind to the date, other than it’s perfect for them. Nor should they.
So, on that sunny afternoon…I’ve put in an order for sunny…so much of the family will gather in a park near Santa Barbara, to witness the vows of David and Katherine. And they we will celebrate their (and our) happy day.
As I await reunion, my heart will be singing.